I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
