we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
