We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
