the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
