I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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