You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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