she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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