I cannot find my penis.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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