i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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