Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
