If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
