My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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