haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
