Where is the hickey?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
