My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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