my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
