Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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