ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
