I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
