Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
