I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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