My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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