I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
