I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
