I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
