My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
