I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You ruined the universe
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
