She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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