Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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