He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
