Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
