I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
