So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
