i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
