maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
