Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
