anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
