this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
