dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
