Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
