i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
