dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
