hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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