At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
