I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
