I wish I could teleport
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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