He uses pillows to masturbate.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
