I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
