Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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