It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
