I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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