Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
