; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
